In the mood for some mischief and mayhem?
Ahh, April Fools’ Day. The single day on which we are given a completely free pass to tease, trick and otherwise torment our friends and foes if we so wish. There is an almost infinite range of potential mischief just begging to be played out on this most devilish of days, from the light-hearted to the downright depraved, and here at Fed Up & Drunk HQ, what better way to acknowledge it than to recount some of the best food-related frolics?
The old ones are the best
There is not a man or woman alive who doesn’t enjoy a bit of real-life slapstick. Anyone who tells you otherwise is, quite simply, lying. Who amongst us hasn’t watched gleefully as someone dramatically slips head over heels on a banana peel, at some point in our lives? …Well, frankly, probably very few of us, as after a little research I have discovered that statistically, it’s fairly unlikely to happen. Disappointing. Never mind though, nothing a good cream pie to the face won’t cure! And what about this oldie-but-goodie; loosening the lids of salt and pepper shakers and watching as the unsuspecting victim accidentally covers their meal in a mountain of seasoning. Cruel, but undeniably amusing to behold.
Masters of disguise
Sherlock Holmes has nothing on this undercover nosh. Why not whip up a nice batch of chocolate chip cookies for your friends? The addition of a secret ingredient of chilli powder should add some extra excitement to any gathering. Or for the true sweet tooth, how about a delicious caramel apple? Of course, if you’re running low on apples, a whole raw onion will make an excellent substitute. No one will notice the difference… at least not until they take that first bite!
Alternatively, if you’re feeling extra creative, try taking a large car sponge and decorating it beautifully with icing, hundreds and thousands, and perhaps even candles if you happen to know someone unfortunate enough to have their birthday on April 1st. Once you have completed your masterpiece, serve it with a flourish to your highly impressed pal, and then watch their face turn to confusion as they try to cut through their delicious-looking cake. Health and safety disclaimer: it may be wise to keep a real cake somewhere handy, in case of violent cake-disappointment-related rampages. Ignore this warning at your own peril.
The easily swappable plastic bags inside cereal boxes make for an easy laugh; watch innocently as your little brother is baffled by the Whole Bran pouring from his favourite Lucky Charms box (and if rumbled, you can always claim to be deeply concerned about his low fibre intake). Alternatively, help dad get out of his nightly hot cocoa rut, by switching it for gravy powder. He’ll be sure to thank you. Finally, a gourmet tip: swapping the sugar with the salt should give an intriguing new flavour to any lacklustre meal. Variety is the spice of life, after all!
Where are your table manners?
We’d probably all do well to avoid visiting any posh restaurants on April 1st, if we suspect there might be tricksters in tow. After all, where better for a little public humiliation than a fine dining establishment? Here’s a little tip for the cheeky prankster: a trip to the waiter’s station to let them know it’s your dear friend’s birthday and they’d love nothing more than a loud rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ to be sung in their honour, will take just a moment. We’ve all suffered that embarrassing ordeal at some point in our lives, but just imagine sitting through it knowing full well it isn’t your birthday for another six months. Cringe.
Did you know if you say the word ‘gullible’ slowly it sounds like ‘chicken’?
Perhaps my favourite pranks of all are the ones which exploit the gullibility of those around us. These are probably most effective on kids (or slightly more naive adults). A little creepy, perhaps, but one internet joker suggests neatly sewing a couple of extra drumsticks onto a chicken before cooking it, and then convincing your dinner guests you’ve served up some kind of mutant fowl. Weirder still, I have heard tell of a parent who froze a pasta tube inside a block of ice, then proceeded to convince their offspring they had been born with a vestigial tail. Fancy scarring your kid for life? Then that might just be the prank for you!
Don’t forget that there is no prey more gullible than the inebriated friend – they’re even better than children. Attending a party on April 1st? Try this trick. Bet a friend that he can’t balance two full beverages on the back of his hands. Have him hold out his hands, palms down, and help him to balance the full-to-the-brim cups on top. Then walk away. Hopefully no one else will be too inclined to help him once he realises he has no way to put them down!
Probably best reserved for your arch nemesis
Maybe somebody dented your car, or ran over your dog. Why not take full advantage of April Fools’ Day for some truly wicked revenge? Although if anybody asks, you didn’t get these ideas from us. I hear that Dog Food Bolognese makes for a delightful repast at this time of year, and if you really want to bring out the big guns, who could forget the meanest instrument of all food and drink torture: laxatives. I’ll say no more on the subject, except, for the love of all that is holy, please do not even contemplate this unless your poor target really, truly deserves it.